Going Beyond
“And so it is when the noble-minded set out in the lead toward a destination, they soon fall into confusion; but when they follow, they find the bounty of that wondrous host.”
- I Ching
When you predetermine a situation, an idea, how a conversation should go, or what it is you are looking for, it is likely to cause confusion, because reality is much more than thoughts, conceptions, and assumptions we make about it. When you predetermine, you place expectations, ideas, and requirements, which condition your experience. It is like putting on sunglasses with red lenses and then thinking everything is actually red. But, perhaps when you set forth with a noble mind, free of preconditions—or at least aware of the presence of the red sunglasses you are wearing—you may discover what-is and be greeted by the bounty reality pours forth into your awareness and experience.
The person you thought you were was the person of one moment ago. That person is no longer here. The person you were ten or even 20 years ago is not the person here and now. Our memories are not present realities but stored experiences we constantly recall to enforce the narrative story of our self. In those memories, we have vague recollections of things that happened and emotions we felt or thought we felt at the time, and meanings we’ve assigned to that event. But, who you are in each moment is a continual discovery, shaped by the causes and conditions of the present. You may be tired, then you may be angry for a minute, then the next minute you may be serene, or jovial, and playful. Sensations, emotions, and thoughts pass through you rapidly, often before you’ve even noticed them. Thus, who you were when you started reading this is not the same person as who you are now, and by the end of reading this, you will be someone different. You will go through emotions, thoughts, reflections, and you may be affected by what you read, which could change the course of your day by enlivening your experience or it could cause you to be angry, thinking all of this to be foolish to read and a waste of time. As each moment brings new things into sight while others fade, each part influences the whole. We are always shaping who we are and we are always being shaped by events, sensations, and interactions with others and reality.
While stored memories, knowledge, and emotions may be useful, they may also not serve us in this moment at all. Since things are in constant motion, the examination of static associations must be done in the moment, in coordination with how things are presenting themselves right now in the shape they are taking. But, if we resist and are instead identified with them only as we remember them or want them to be, we cannot be aware of them as they present themselves. So, if they are different right now from how we remembered them—and they are—we can become confused, because what they are now versus what we thought they were are at odds, which creates incoherence and muddies our ability to see what shapes are taking form in our experience here and now.
When we demand a specific outcome or insist that our judgment or expectation be correct, aren’t we trying, with little control, to force reality into a shape it no longer fits—like trying to push a round object into a square space? When it doesn’t fit, we suffer. Seeing the shape experience and reality are taking in this moment is to follow without a destination.
Now, you might say, but I always have judgments, desires, expectations, and this would be true for all of us, for these are part of the human experience. So what do we do with that? Some may tell you that you need to get rid of these and realize we are all one and connected, that they are illusions, that you need to eliminate your self or your ego and let go of all this suffering. But in my limited experience, I have yet to meet the person who has accomplished this, and I am not sure it is even wise or desirable to do so. It seems that if you are at all like me, these judgments, desires, expectations exist, and they will be with us for the rest of our lives. So what can we do?
If you know that when you place preconditions on reality, they will not line up, and that you will likely get angry, frustrated, disappointed, hurt, and this will cause you to retreat back into your mind, and store that hurt there. You will then get into a pattern—a pattern of thinking things are really screwed up, that reality and others in it don’t get you and hurt you. Life then becomes one of profound confusion, disconnected from reality and others, and you live mostly inside the narrative of your self, closed up. You may even get so habituated to this state that it seems normal—just how life is, and how it works. But what if there is another way? Perhaps a middle ground?
Can we perhaps not discount our judgments, emotions, expectations, or even the real-life pain that occurred to us in the past, yet maybe we can hold them here in the present moment—not as a demand of how things are, but as a starting point, a place to move from to compare or contrast? A starting place for inquiry? Perhaps there is. Perhaps in the present moment, we can name our judgments, observe them, and say: ‘This is my judgment. This is why I hold it. This is how it makes me feel.’ Perhaps we can explore the judgment, explore the way it feels now. What would happen when we name it with another as it arises?
Let’s consider an example of how this inquiry could unfold. What would happen if we are in a conversation, you say something, and a sensation arises that I have associated with anger in my memory? What happens if I don’t immediately respond with my stored memory of anger and start yelling or accusing or blaming, and instead I name that sensation and my association with it to you? I say: ‘Hey, I am noticing here in this conversation that what you just said landed in a way in me where I am now experiencing this clenching feeling in the middle of my chest, my body is heating up like fire, and I notice that I want to call it anger, and I have the urge to be angry and fight.’ What if I own it even more? And I say: ‘I am not saying you did this to me, that you are responsible for it, but I am noticing that this is what is happening here, now.’ What if I then say I am curious about it but I want to also explore what you meant by what you said, because when you said it, you did not mention what you meant and why you were saying it? Perhaps I misunderstood something you meant, and my own projected misunderstanding caused me this sensation. I’d hate to respond with anger if I am misunderstanding something. Oh, you have a feeling inside you too that caused you to say that? Oh, and you are unsure of what you meant and why that sensation in you caused you to say that? Isn’t that interesting? What is that sensation?
What happens when we do this? When, instead of reacting from past experiences and stored associations, we move into a space of curiosity about what is actually happening right now, describing and exploring it—what might we discover?
Could we discover that what we were talking about had nothing to do with what we actually meant or desired here and now, that there was a deeper communication of present desires or needs occurring below our words? What if we discovered that you don’t feel we are connected to one another? And that what you were doing in the conversation was trying to get some response, some emotion from me so you could experience a sensation in response—to get evidence, here in this moment, that you are not alone and are connected, even if in a negative way?
Perhaps then we could see what you need in this moment—real connection. Connection at the level of heart and mind. Perhaps I would see that I also need that in this moment. We would realize what is here and now, and in doing so, we could actually connect. Perhaps the sensation in my body would resolve, yours would relax, and we could just be with each other here and now.
But if we were not curious, if we were to place demands on the priority of the historical associations we had with our sensations, if we were to then inhabit those historical associations, we likely might lash out and harm each other, connecting through destruction and causing further disconnection and damage to the relationship where, as it turns out, a lack of connection may already be occurring. That would be terrible!
If we place a demand on our prior experiences and emotions as a final judgment, as the destination, when this situation occurs and we bring our perspectives as settled already, we might remain angry and disconnected forever. We might continue to turn inwards into ourselves and we might hide from reality and each other.
But what happened in this example when we turn toward the present moment, holding our expectations, memories, and judgments lightly—using them as points of exploration instead of demands? We went beyond them with the help of reality, with its bounty of what comes forth when we are willing to be with all that is in the moment, with curiosity, and we discovered each other as we were in that moment.
Now, perhaps the next time we come into contact in a similar situation, I will recognize the sensation arising a little quicker? Perhaps the sensation won’t arise in me, and I might just get curious about what you are saying and why you are saying it, and maybe we can explore it, and in the exploration we can learn about you, and about me in that moment in yet another new way. If we do this, we will have established a new way of being with one another.
We will each have strengthened our understanding of our selves, and in doing so, will have upheld for one another the value and importance of each of us as individuals. At the same time, we will also have strengthened our connection to one another and upheld the value and importance of us together as a living entity of relationship. We will have gone beyond our perceived isolation by holding our demands on reality and each other a little bit lighter. We will have gone beyond what we were before in tangible ways. There is a word for this: transcendence.
When we don’t demand a destination, and instead follow each other and reality in the present moment, we can transcend. Me into a more full version of me, you into a more full version of you, and together, into a more full version of us.
At Useful Frames, our goal is being in the present moment with you, open, aware, curious, and following reality’s movements, to see what is here, what is in you, and what it looks like when we name it together and explore it together. And while the above example is more likely to arise in close relationships with friends, family, and partners, this type of curiosity in a present moment exploration of what is occurring here-and-now for you in your life—whether it pertains to your sense of self, your career, your artistic endeavors, your relationships—is the work we do with you in our dialogues at Useful Frames. Our goal is your transcendence. Your bounty awaits you.
